"Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you’re weary, from fearing you lost control"
We finished our Malagasy language class on a Friday.
After a round of difficult “catch ya laters” with out incredible teachers we prepared to leave on the following Tuesday... Madagascar had other plans. A bridge on one of the main roads south collapsed, effectively halting traffic, and thus, our plans. After a few days of uncertainty a call was made; three YAGMS would leave on Wednesday morning, the five of us who were heading south would depart the following Monday along with Amanda and Stephanie (YAGMS serving in Taomasana and Diego). Pastor Kirstin is a total champion and through all of the insane changes that needed to be made she remained a constant calm and reassurance. Things would be ok. We would all get where we were going. She would make sure that we were safe. We are loved.
Megan was the first to leave. Followed closely by Amy and Quinn who would be flying to their destinations. The seven of us who remained took some additional language classes, helped with some of the English classes offered at Lovasoa, walked the city, and spent time just “being”
On Friday I received a call from Kirsten. I would not be leaving on Monday. My host site was actually going to come and pick me up in Antsirabe and take me with them on an educational tour that some of the staff and students were doing! How exciting! I would be leaving on Tuesday. I remember coming down for dinner and being asked by a fellow YAGM “how do you feel about that?” “Oh my gosh!” I responded. “It’s so cool! I can’t wait”
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
But Monday came.
I watched the remainder of my cohort drive away and realized that my knees were shaking. I waited for the dust to settle before I moved back towards the building we have called home for the last month.
I walked back to my room, for the first time, alone. There was no familiar laughter in the hallway, or sarcastic comments waiting for me as I opened the door. My own belongings were the only items scattered on the floor and cluttering the bookshelf (with the single exception of a charger left behind. Don’t worry, I got you ;)) and although I could hear the quick pace of a Malagasy conversation happening outside my window the silence was deafening.
Instead of sitting in my room I opted to make a trip to the local grocery store. I left the gated community of Lovasoa with my head down, arms crossed, trying to make myself as small as possible. It was all hitting me at once. I felt as though there were so many things slipping through my hands. I was loosing the illusion of control I had built up in my head, and worse yet, I was afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid of being inadequate, afraid of failing.
All of a sudden I was feeling every one of the 9,000 miles between me and my little hometown(s) of Wisconsin.
Upon arriving back at Lovasoa I was greeted by the security guards “Salama! Inona ny vaovao!?” “Hello! What is your news!?” They asked enthusiastically. I hesitated for just a second as I realized that normally I would leave it to one of my peers to respond. But I couldn’t. Not this time. No matter how small I tried to shrink myself, he was talking to me. To ONLY me. “Tsy misy fa misaotra” “there is none, but thank you” I said, still moving towards my dorm. Where was I going? Back to my empty room? My feet stopped and I turned back towards him “ary any aminao?” “and with you?” “tsy misy, fa Misaotra!” he said with a bright smile which I met with my own. I carried both of our smiles with me back to my room, where the kindess of them has kept me company through the remainder of the day.
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know
I try to avoid interacting with fear as much as possible on a daily basis, very human of me I think. But, I’m finding it impossible to shake when there is so much ‘new’ surrounding me. Today, albeit a difficult day, was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, people who have come to mean so much to me had safe travels, I found a FANTASTIC chocolate coffee candy at the store, enjoyed some time by the lake, and basked in the laughter of a family as they watched the turtles on campus. I was once told that if you’re not just a little afraid, you need to branch out a bit more. Well, today I can confidently tell you that I am afraid. But I can also tell you I rest in the assurance that my fears will continue to meet and face a loving God whom I am constantly encountering though interactions, both big and small, in this beautiful country.
I cannot thank the people I have met in Antsirabe enough for the hospitality, generosity, and warmth they have shown me over the last four weeks. Know that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers, always.
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
‘Cause you’re not alone
Until next time,
Serena Rae
Also, here’s a link to the song that I’m currently obsessed with - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjNZf878ISQ
From Left to Right: Lauren, Katie, Krista, Rachel, Amanda, and Stephanie all getting ready to load into a van that will take them on wards to (or towards) their sites! See you guys soon! Soava dia! (travel well!)